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Day 4: Meatpushers

I’ve noticed that there’s meat hiding in more things than you’ld originally think.   While having dinner with my mom some rather tasty looking soup arrived free of charge from the guy behind the counter at Daphnes who clearly reads my blog and was trying to trick me into eating chicken.  I still haven’t butchered any fowl so they’re still off the list of acceptable food.  And furthermore unless “superpooping” is a super power, I still don’t have any new magical abilities that are developing.  Which is lame.

I’ve discovered strange and new foods, and today I learned that I can eat just as unhealthy having vegitarian food as regular as I had a vegi burger which tasted like it was maybe a hard caked salt paddy (which was delicious) and some fries.  I guess I need to be sure not to eat mayonaise because it’s A) Disgusting and B) Made of eggs.

Eggs seem to be everywhere.  The day before today (we call that yesterday here on my planet), I sat down at breakfast and couldn’t resist and I had a bagel loaded up with eggs.  I had spent all day previously to people trying to push eggs on me with arguments like “Eggs aren’t fertilized they aren’t even people” and “It’s just like eating a chicken period” (way to be convincing) and “As long as it’s before the third trimester they’re still delicious!”.  I think you can overly moralize everything.  At the end of the day you can eat organic free range chicken eggs from hand massaged chickens who are allowed to run merrily around and you’re still really eating the same thing as the eggs from a chicken who you beat on a regular basis because your father did the same thing to you.

I know that’s probably a really sophomoric way of looking at morality, but I’m not trying to really empathize with the vegitarians here.  I want to be wrong and enjoy eating meat again one day.  This doubly became the case when I talked to vegitarian friend Neil and he explained to me that not only do I just stop eating meat, but apparently I have to do some bullshit like actually eating meat replacements too.  He recommended vegiburgers, soy hotdogs, and injecting colesterol directly into my carotid artery.  I really think if you’re enjoying the sensation of eating tasty meat products without consuming the flesh itself, you’re in some weird sort of half-transitionary stage.  That’s like wanting to molest children but instead just writing Hairy Potter Fan Fiction.  It’s not really BAD but it’s not really good either.

Then there’s the meat pushers.  People who offer you meat like it’s not a moral dilema.  I never realized before that I was a meat pusher.  But what a terrible fate when you think about it.  Jon came over and offered me some beef jerkey.  Way to really dominate something.  We killed you and were going to eat you, but we didn’t really want to eat you right this minute, so we’re just going to dry your ass out (literally) and save you for a rainy day.

God I wanted that beef jerky so badly.

I’ve also discovered the “miracle” of wheatgrass which tastes sortof like someone was kicking your mouth in the balls.  And then it also burns.  In theory doing this to myself is actually good for me.  Unfortunately it’s not like doing a shot of burbon that you feel burning going down and are suddenly drunk.  It’s not like I do a shot of wheatgrass and then can suddenly break a yak’s neck with my bare hands.  I feel like this is like Reiki.  Someone holds their hands over you and tells you you’re going to get better.  Hell maybe it’s working.. but this is more like Reiki where they make you better by raking you in the nuts over and over again to cure the pain in your shoulders.

I could be a millionaire.  So I need some advice on whether or not I should consume eggs, or if I should wait until after I murder a chicken to do so.  Also, is it socially acceptable to be a fatass vegitarian?  I feel like if you’re a vegitarian you’re also obligated to do yoga and jog or some shit.  This sucks I want a burger.  I need to call up my meatpusher and get a fix.  Sigh.

4 comments to Day 4: Meatpushers

  • I believe its way too easy to be a fat vegetarian, and even worse if you meet a vegan you can almost guarantee they’re walking around with extra lbs… why you ask? because unless you do like your friend Niel suggested and substitute everything under the sun with soy-product (or you get heavy into legumes) then you are either eating fruits and veg all day or youre eating gluten. And forget about eating out. If you’re a veggie or a vegan and you try to eat in social situations, good luck, you’re usually pretty much only left with bread options… especially if you’re in the midwest.

  • also, that beef jerky smelled so good even i wanted some.

  • Jon

    Definitely wait to eat eggs till you kill the chicken… Not for moral or health reasons but because i think eating an animals byproducts but not eating the animal is a little bullshit… to me its like, “well, i’ll just eat this chicken wing because they kept the chicken alive to live a long fruitful wingless life.” Would you think twice if the chicken gave it’s life when it laid eggs? even though an egg isn’t the same as a chicken breast it’s still something that once was a part of the chicken. It’s made of chicken. An egg, fertile or no is still chicken to me… its just delicious breakfast scrambled chicken. YUMM!

  • Terry Hillen

    As your father I can clearly say, “I never beat you”. Though the insipid beating-the-chicken-like-your-father-beat-you comment clearly implies to the uninitiated reader that you were beaten by your father. I suggest that you may now eat language since you have clearly killed it. Furthermore, this comment really pisses me off. I say this because I feel I have been cheated. You presented a plethora of opportunity for delivering well deserved beatings, a veritable plague of opportunities if you will, yet I delivered none. It seems to me that if I am going to get blamed, even falsely, then I should have reaped the satisfaction of delivering repeated, sound beatings. I would like a do over on that.

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